Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Cocktail hops!~

     There is nothing that closes a tough work week like a beautiful cocktail and beautiful Seouls~ I've come a place where I will admit to myself...I do like drinking. But I have expectations, I want a visually sexy drink, something full-flavored, a nice view, and worth the price. I have no issue shelling over some bills for a glamorous cocktail~
     A handful of months ago, Fat Girls Food Guide and I started kicking off our weekends and wrapping up our work week with cocktails and all sorts of brightness!!

Our very first cocktails together started at Pier 8 in Itaewon. For the life of me...I can't recall what they were...
Cocktails at Pier 8~ photo taken by Veganbeats
     I am very aware that my drinking abilities are limited...two drinks in and I'm a sloppy kid, but the stubborn side of me is a fighter and carrying on for the sake of time with friends carries me forward! The first round (I recall) got my cheeks buzzing...and soon enough my feet were shuffling to a new place that our buddy opened...
     Bulldogs!!! This is a place that specializes in British bangers and though not very vegan friendly (asides from the complementary homemade salt and vinegar popcorn) the drinks are massive and delectable~
Fat Girls Food Guide told me that pimms are a great summer drink from her country and well...that's what we got!
Pimms~ photo taken by Veganbeats
Pimms! This jar is as big as my gut! photo taken by Veganbeats~

     Now I was beyond rosy faced and my feet were dragging like sleepwalkers but we womyned up for round three to Leftcoast burgers! I got a strawberry lemonade vodka with no simple syrup...yumm!!
Leftcoast cocktail~ photo taken by Veganbeats
     This place was wonderful and we did get some grub...but that's for another post~

Anyways...a short "heya" and promises that I'll be back!

xx

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Guilty Ghost

     I've become ghost...a lonely and insecure, highly sensitive, and emotionally vulnerable ghost. I've gotten to a point where I have completely forgotten how to socialize and am so anxious about the very idea of it...that I bail on risking the chance of getting turned down. I feel like making friends is running around in the dating world. Everyone has their "partner(s)" and is quite happy with theirs significant other(s) OR that I've burnt out old flings and they've moved far beyond entertaining sharing time with me.
     I've substituted going out with simmering in my loneliness and self-hatred...I'm boiling and sloshing into the hodge-podge of constantly feeling rejected, turned away, hated, and like an "after thought." I am so tired....
     My mind is dwindling in constant whirlwinds of negativity and I am bullying myself...before making the call or reaching out to someone...I throw down the towel and assume that I'll be slapped in the face.

    I don't know what to do.

     I hear that I'm hard to be around (mostly because of my depression and negativity) and I KNOW this. I am with myself ALL DAY and EVERYDAY and I HATE myself. I am so uncomfortable with who and what I am...and being constantly belittled and scorned for being half just...it's grinding me down and my already nonexistent self "confidence" is in the negative axis...x AND y.

     I wish I could be happier and I am trying...I messaged some friends and called people to make plans.

     One cancelled last minute, another is too busy...my partner is bored of me. I'm feeling so sad and lost...and I don't know what to do or where to go...or how to be. I go to work...that's my socializing. I play with my students and laugh and giggle and make an ASS of myself...their laughter and genuinity keeps me up...or at least preoccupied for a bit. But once I'm alone, and with myself~ I get it.

    I preform at Wordsmiths once a month...that's wonderful and I socialize. But I'm so nervous about how to physically organize myself, I'm barren and honest and crying on stage...naked even.

     How do I make friends and build relationships?
photo taken by VeganBeats
      How do I make friends with people and stop being "not enough"...if my being with myself is so draining? I feel too guilty to be with others...

    I'm sorry to unload this...I'm trying to feel better and BE better...I wish I could simply wake up, better.
veganbeats
   

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Starting day three: The Master Cleanse

    So, I haven't been updating...sorry~

     I've been keeping myself as busy as possible because...this challenge is affecting me in a rather emotionally vulnerable way (differently from the first time!). I've had essentially no hunger cravings and the detox has been a breeze thus far, but I'm doing it with my partner. For a first cleanse, this one is hella intense.

Anyways, day one~ super easy, not much of an issue at all. Came home, drank my tea...sleep...done! I've been very VERY emotional and my sensitivity has sky-rocketed...BUT this has a LOT to do with the events of this past weekend.

Back story~~~
    My mom owns a accessory store in Boston and every so often, I will be stocking up her inventory. Saturday was that day~ I woke up hella early and got all the inventory then traveled to my Emo's clinic to give her the stuff. After placing electrical needles on my face, she put barely-there bandages on my face to help my burnt skin heal. I've been going a little bit nuts over heavy-face-scrutiny.
     I bid my Emo farewell with a cloak of insecurity and discomfort, these bandages look like ogre warts in my mind. It was maybe 2 in the afternoon and the day was far from over. I had to choose between go home (and probably be destructive) OR get my hair cut and colored. I went with the hair chair and ugh~ this set me off.
   I've been bleaching my hair for a while now and the last mission left my hair pretty destroyed. I was inpatient, made an extremely strong solution, end ended up burning a lot of hair RIGHT OFF!! My stylist decided to give me a "shaggy" look and do a ton of layers. I was trying to breath. He gave me bangs.

I HATE BANGS

    Then he was going on about the cute "shaggy" style. This word...it crushes me. I wasn't the richest kid as a youngin and I got called a scrub a lot...A LOT. I was teased and bullied and ridiculed...and I hated every single damned day of school. I slapped on a smile and fought through fiery tears, everyday for years. To me, for me, shaggy is associated with scrubby, poor, messy, sloppy, gross...it just triggers a mountain of insecurity. 

    And he kept using the damned word to describe ME

    Then, he colored it. My roots were awful and he decided to highlight and low-light my locks. After one dyeing round, the low-lights were nonexistent. So, he decided to do it again. 

He colored my hair grey. 

    I've already been sitting in the chair, staring at my fucking mug for over three hours now and the tears were rushing at my eyes with such aggressive force and my damn-eyes were about to break. I have such a difficult time looking at my reflection...and I was doing so for hours on end. I could feel my body screaming and my daemons shrieking. He was speaking, I was feeling heavier. 
     I told him my hair was grey and he tried to debate me for a second then...owned it. Apologized and did some magic and fixed it...but already, so much was built up and triggered that I went to the bathroom and just sobbed. 

    I paid and left and called my buddy and met up with him and a bunch of my other buddies. I wanted to be social and I love my friends, but the entire time, I was thinking about how I looked and how awful and even more ugly I felt. I am so beyond comfortable and I am just...it's broken me up. 

SO~ I've started this cleanse with an extremely broken sense of self-confidence (the teensy bit of it there even was) and am really really upset. I've been crying daily and I don't want to go outside or be seen by anyone. 

    I feel like a scrub. 

Day 2~
     Another easy day in terms of the "hunger" bit. The sensitivity and emotions are haywire though. I hate seeing my students and going to work, being in work. I despise my hair and everything that I look like. I'm really struggling with my physical self. I started crying far too many times today and when I came home, my partner (cleansing himself and reacting differently) wasn't as warm as my marshmallow self was hoping for. 
    More crying... I went to bed early, listened to music and just let my daemons bully me and simmered in the self-hatred. 

     It's now 5 am, and I've spent a large portion of the evening crying and wiping away tears. I've pinched so much of my flaws and really want to sleep all of this away. 


This one is going to be tough, but not because of the lack of food, this is purely and entirely my body dysmorphia, destructive ways, insecurities, and self-hatred. 

There's no where to ignore it, my mind is very clear and very present and dissociating is not possible. 


Here's to the journey and the challenges. 


Saturday, January 4, 2014

Goals~Resolutions~Challenges

     Goals...resolutions...challenges~ I'm genuinely both hopeful and apprehensive about the freshly arrived New Year and...I mean, it's only been (now) four days and I already so much has happened. Instead of listing out "resolutions" I want to provide myself with challenges. I am a stubborn and sore loser and like achieving things, so...thinking that challenges will be more likely OWNED when I try to beat myself at my own game. I'm also giving myself quarter year challenges, monthly challenges, and even weekly challenges.

Weekly challenges:
* go on at least one hour long walk, free of headphones, music, or with a schedule.
*workout and use stretch your muscles at least 3 times a week
*try or work on a new yoga pose
*clean the girl's cage...and no excuses
*keep up with the dishes...or it's 5,000 원 in the vaca bank
*work on realism

Monthly challenges:
*complete one art piece, no matter the size or medium...complete one
*put 500,000 원 in the savings account
*call your family
*email your grandparents
*see your family in Korea
*get out of the house and see friends...at least twice

Quarter year challenges:
*have three completed art pieces
*find at least one part of yourself to love
*do one fast/cleanse (total four a year)
*shed 10 seconds off of your mile time
*run one 5K
*learn a new medium, play around with it
*clean up my blog labels!!

They aren't very big or even impressive to most...but...

ugh, One BIG thing I want to work on is finding ways to cherish and love myself. I've been working really hard to keep the daemons on silent and let them do their thing without paying too much attention to them, and sometimes I do such a good job dissociating that I (foolishly) think it's working. I've gone throughout my daily routine, going to work, smiling...etc. And all the while, they're chattering away and whittling away at my (already bleak) self worth and I find myself in the same position at numerous moments throughout the day.

I am brought to tears every time my physical form flashes before me. I want to stop hating myself.

I will learn how to value my characteristics and emotions more and not let them get lost in the misguided and highlighted value in the human form.

Hamlet's loungin~ (Piggy rump!!) photo taken by Veganbeats

Oh~ another plan that's arriving soon!~

Starting on Monday I will be challenging myself to another Master Cleanse....this time though, I will be doing 20 days. I know last time I had to crack at eight...and in the case that I get another scare or mess jazz up, I will challenge my body to it's end and not push it to a point of idiocy!

I'll write about this challenge throughout...WARNING: It may get teensy bits emotional!! haha

loads of love~!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2013 blip~

    2013 has come to a close, and I cannot believe all of the events, challenges, moments, and life I have experienced during it.

    I'm in such a different place from where I was last year. And I am so beyond grateful for the lessons, opportunities, challenges, and connections this year has gifted me with. I'm proud of myself and astounded at all the things I've accomplished, chugged through, and faced head on....even if my tail was between my legs.
photo by Veganbeats
Briefly reflecting, and not in direct order...

*I learned how to snowboard (fall and break a rib or two) and LOVED it.....hell I'm nervous and shaking a lot but...I did it! And I plan on bumbling down some crowded slopes soon!
*I overcame my massive fear of bananas...! (I may get scared again...later on in life...but...hey!)
*I started working with a GREAT team of people that support me and have my back...I actually love going into work now!
*I completed a series of paintings for a restaurant.
*I have had a few commission pieces this year including book illustrations, Christmas prezzies, and a record cover...AND MORE for 2014!!
*I started doing more modeling...nude body paint modeling and actually having fun (LOOK BELOW!)
*I did a fashion show (hahaha)
*I've significantly cut down my gluten intake, and eat raw nearly 80%
*I learned how to pickle watermelon!
*I went BLONDE!!!
*I fought my stubbornness and started going back to therapy again. Genuinely so happy I have...I've been struggling and losing myself so long...and there's a landing spot now. 
*I co-founded and owned a business
*I had a release party for that business
*I met a lot of people through the business and in so, linked up with a few brilliant artists
*I left that business
*I organized a fundraiser, and it went super well!!
*I started writing again, and preformed my pieces at Wordsmith
*I spoke about my rape in a public setting 
*I reclaimed my name
*I fell in love...again! And it has been such a brilliant relationship!! 
*I moved in with Scotty...and it has been full of challenges, but far more laughter and love!
*I wore a bikini....a handful of times
*....in public!!!!
*I went on a hike by myself and did so to disengage from destructive behavior...so rewarding and a BIG step!
*I spoke genuinely and vulnerably to my mother...and we're growing ever better
*Started an excellent safe community with some brilliant leaders (Disruptive Voices)
*Disruptive voices was featured on the Herald and on CNN!
*I learned that taking "me" time and not going out, regardless of friend's asking me to...is totally acceptable and necessary at times
*I started becoming a bit more social
*I lost myself this year and become so dissociated that it scared my old business partner, friends, and my partner....and then myself. (aha...therapy)
*Scott and I did out FIRST collaborative piece...and we've got more to come!
*I've grown comfortable and more open with Scott...I never thought I could trust someone so completely and love someone again so much more dearly!
*I met some new kindred spirits and feel like old souls that I once knew in past lifetimes and adventures
*Scotty and I traveled out of Seoul and we went to beaches and ate like guinea pigs
*I've seen all my girls grow and develop greater more prominent personalities...they are the gift of life
*I almost completed a detox cleanse...and plan on kicking off the year with another one
*I discovered (and got hooked on) goji berries, lemons, and chia seeds
*I started eating breakfast!
*I had stuffed peppers!!
*I've had terrible, awful, eye draining, lung crushing fights...
*I've gone 6 months cut free!
*I significantly decreased alcohol consumption! (Haven't always drank much..but in Korea!!)
*I've been destructive free for 1 week this year (ahhh HELL CHYEA)
*I've worn dresses that fit my body...a handful of times...and in public!!!
*I went to a restaurant with friends!
*Scotty and I spent a couple days in the summer biking around!
*I saw a double rainbow...and it came at a perfect time when work was particularly draining as it layered such a shitty self day
*I conquered another food fear and had a blended drink at Starbucks...WHAT?!?!? 
*I was able to cry in front of my friends
*When I was crying and feeling really in harms way...I was comfortable and strong enough to call a friend
*I've stuck up for myself...to my friends
*I met and shared so many wonderful times with Scotty's family!
*I've gone to bed laughing and I've woken up smiling
*I've stepped away from some friendships that did more harm then good...for myself
*I started making my own popcorn!!
*I'm advocating more for myself and doing things that are better for myself. I'm avoiding places that put myself in a level of discomfort that prohibits me from moving "forward". 
*I go out of my comfort zone to achieve the things I feel will bring me closer to my dreams
*I'm dreaming....a lot
*I introduced Scotty to my family...and brought him to Kimjang!


Lady Deadpool (body paint and photo by Corey
Lady Deadpool (body paint and photo by Corey)

    There's so many more challenges I faced and obstacles I overcame...and most of them, I had bloody knees, bruised ankles, and torn pride...but.
     I look forward to the growth and experiences I'll get to call my own or share with countless others and potentially newer faces. I've got a few goals in place...

I'll write up another post in the future...about challenges I will set for myself!
photo by Veganbeats



One is that I'll come back to this blogging world...hell, I missed you!!

xxx


Friday, November 15, 2013

Brief Reflection...if you want a peppy post, this ain't it...

    As much growth as I've "achieved" throughout my life, and all the awareness and genuine intimacy I've developed...the disorders and drawbacks of my 12-20 year old self/parts are hooked onto/into/within me. It's as if they've been there for so long that my flesh has grown over, into, and around them; securing their position. They've been a part of me for over a decade now, and when I get to the summit of any goal...they're the avalanche or the infection in my toes that causes me to lose footing, give up, or do the adolescent thing and crumble into a thick slab of tears.
     I am so deeply disturbed by images of myself, captures of this heavily flawed and grotesque figure. One that will never be satisfying or worthy...always too much of something, never too little, excessive, always. I'm well aware of my positive traits and am very grateful that they are present and who I am, without them~ there'd be no balance, no reason to keep my head looking forward. I simply love...someday, maybe it'll be myself that's a part of that but caring for the creatures and beings around me...that keeps me afloat.
    An anchor is tied to my buoy though...the disappointment and abuse or lack of consideration by others does yank me down underwater. Below, I can't breath and my hateful parts have fuel; feed to give their throats vibrations where the hatred and scorn they so desperately need to express can vibrate perfectly. My love for others is also the fuel that feeds the continuous discourse of disappointment...in others maybe but truly, in myself.
    I am aware though, very much so that the compliments and loving words offered and provided by friends and my partner are genuine. They are true and honest to them, I trust them with their expressions. I wish I could swallow the lot of them and let those words fuel and feed my confidence to a point where it's strong enough to carve out these hooks and really tell those awful parts off. Self assurance and confidence has had a lot of atrophy...it's getting stronger, parts of it. As if the neck is getting powerful enough to tighten the ligaments and tendons and lift it's head up...once every so often.
    I'm too concerned with others doubts about me, or their judgement...it truly doesn't matter but I see my concerns as being reflections of myself. I fear others as not being genuine, being deceitful, cruel, hard-hearted, and scheming against me. Once a bullied kid...
     Being that I fear those qualities in others, I seem to be overly concerned that people I do care about feel that I myself am like that. That I am scheming, fake, dishonest, inconsiderate, etc.

    what a strange world I live in...

I'm constantly reflecting and trying to understand myself...and I know I get it, but this map in my psyche is infinitely leveled beyond intricate. By the time I can describe it, I'll be rotting.


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Scratching in hot tears...

    I've been going through a lot of different feelings and emotional states over the past couple weeks...months~
    My mom and partner's parents rolled through and I loved a lot of it...but definitely strained myself a bit. I spent the mornings working with my mom (or upset about my mom), then went to teach all day, then would meet with the partner's rents...which I loved. I LOVED the busyness...it's just I would return home and work for Varyd and ended up TOTALLY neglecting sleep, my girls and my "me" time. I don't sleep very much anyways...but with a lot more exertion, I found myself self so energy deprived.
   On top of the hustle around Korea and parts I had to call into play...I was eating great...TOO great. I've eaten more food than I usually ever do and now I feel it sticking itself to my sides and stomache, it's hanging all over my body. These daemons never part...body hatred and disgust is at an all time high.
dream by...photo taken by Veganbeats
     It's this process I'm very aware of and uncontrollably intimate to, I saw myself doing my tasks and being "productive" but at the expense of my parts and myself. I could feel my emotions and parts requesting attention, a break, a place to speak, and I silenced them. These parts grew louder and louder...and my continuing disregard for them made me numb...and beyond vulnerable and disheartened. I found myself releasing empty tears, hollow chested and shoulder curling hot tears would just wrap around my face and I would avoid addressing them. I had to wipe them away quickly and do my tasks...I ignored myself and my needs to kept with the expectations others had around me.

    Parents have left, catalog is wrapped up...I'm still scratching for some ground. I've been heavily in my head and have had some horrendous nightmares that are placing me in an area of feeling victimized...again. My fear of men, male strangers is even stronger and...the past week has involved already two street harassments and potentially dangerous situations. I will not dumb them down, but in the state and place I've been in, my fear is elevated and anger stinging.

     I've been focusing on the hurt and let down as well. There are people, some HUGE people in my life that drastically contributed to my existence...and I feel as if I matter not a thing to them. I've reached out to one...two I can pinpoint and have gotten no response, nothing.
    Did I mean nothing to them (him)? Did I fabricate the entire bond and relationship? Have I always meant nothing? Did it maybe never happen? Did I hallucinate the entirety? Will it happen again?
    Will my partner now someday...forget me? Will I not even be a distant memory? Why do I mean nothing? Am I not worth the time or second of thought? Am I that awful a person? Did I hurt you? Am I an ugly part of your life? Do you regret me? Are you ashamed? Was my mother right?

    I have no idea where these parts are coming from...a place of sadness, loss, desperation?

There's no room to rest and relax...closed eyes bring back horrendous memories and traumas, time alone leaves me focused and reflecting on worthlessness and self-hatred, time with my partner brings on so much love and joy and genuine happiness...when he sleeps my mind goes nuts...this is all...I fear I'm losing touch with myself...in so many different areas of my life, there is necessary closure...and acceptance. If not for the situations that have occurred, for myself.