I've substituted going out with simmering in my loneliness and self-hatred...I'm boiling and sloshing into the hodge-podge of constantly feeling rejected, turned away, hated, and like an "after thought." I am so tired....
My mind is dwindling in constant whirlwinds of negativity and I am bullying myself...before making the call or reaching out to someone...I throw down the towel and assume that I'll be slapped in the face.
I don't know what to do.
I hear that I'm hard to be around (mostly because of my depression and negativity) and I KNOW this. I am with myself ALL DAY and EVERYDAY and I HATE myself. I am so uncomfortable with who and what I am...and being constantly belittled and scorned for being half just...it's grinding me down and my already nonexistent self "confidence" is in the negative axis...x AND y.
I wish I could be happier and I am trying...I messaged some friends and called people to make plans.
One cancelled last minute, another is too busy...my partner is bored of me. I'm feeling so sad and lost...and I don't know what to do or where to go...or how to be. I go to work...that's my socializing. I play with my students and laugh and giggle and make an ASS of myself...their laughter and genuinity keeps me up...or at least preoccupied for a bit. But once I'm alone, and with myself~ I get it.
I preform at Wordsmiths once a month...that's wonderful and I socialize. But I'm so nervous about how to physically organize myself, I'm barren and honest and crying on stage...naked even.
How do I make friends and build relationships?
|photo taken by VeganBeats|
I'm sorry to unload this...I'm trying to feel better and BE better...I wish I could simply wake up, better.